May 2026 archive

How stay motivated while writing a memoir

Writing a memoir can be a wonderful and creative experience. It’s a way to learn more about ourselves, explore our past, and consider our relationships. We might want to share our story, offer a lesson to others, or create a history for our children. But to accomplish our goal, we have to find ways to stay motivated through the sometimes unexpectedly long process of writing our memoir!

As you’ve likely experienced, it’s usual to start any big creative project with a lot of enthusiasm—which, like caffeine, can fuel us for the beginning of the journey. However, that early burst of energy may fade when we face the uncertainties and demands that accompany any significant creative process.

Why we lose motivation while writing a memoir

Writing a memoir can be a particularly daunting project. Many writers begin with the idea that they’re simply going to “write down what happened.” But crafting a memoir is usually much more layered than that. We not only need to remember events, but to reflect on how we felt during those events and how they affected us in the long term.

Potential roadblocks

Some roadblocks you might encounter in the memoir-writing process include fear of others reading and reacting to what you’ve written, wondering if what you have to say is “important enough” to warrant a book, and worry about legalities like libel and defamation.

Any of these might stop you in your writing tracks!

Ways to stay motivated while writing a memoir

Address your fears:

• Talk through difficult questions with a writing coach, editor, or mentor.
• Get legal or publishing advice to address concerns about privacy, names, or exposure. (Self-Publisher’s Legal Handbook by Helen Sedwick and Memoir Writing for Dummies by Ryan G. Van Cleave are both excellent resources for legal questions like these.)
• Allow yourself to write exploratory material that may never appear in the final book. (See “Give yourself permission,” below.)

Learn more about crafting a memoir:

• Take an online or in-person memoir class. (I recommend Gotham Writers Workshop online courses.)
• Read others’ memoirs.
• Read about writing memoir. (The Art of Memoir by Mary Karr is terrific! My article “Memoir Writing Basics You Need to Know” offers a quick dive into the topic.)

Get further support:

• Join a memoir writers’ group. (National Association of Memoir Writers)could be a great place to start your search.)
• Identify a trusted reader.
• Consider consulting a counselor to advise you as you write.

While early motivation is often fueled by urgency, emotion, or the desire to tell one’s story, it’s easy to be thrown off track by uncertainty in any of the above areas. However, if you keep addressing your concerns as they arise, you are likely to find ways to continue on your path—and even enjoy the process.

Give yourself permission

Permission Slip: As I mentioned above, it can be amazingly freeing to allow yourself to just explore all aspects of your story—the good, the bad, and even the potentially embarrassing—in an early draft meant for no one’s eyes but your own. Knowing that you don’t need to share all (or any) of what you write in that version allows you the space to “think things out on the page.” Remember: You can always make decisions about what to keep and what to leave out in subsequent drafts.

Permission Slip: Although this may be counterintuitive, it’s not necessarily useful to start to at the beginning of your story. If you have launched an early draft from the beginning, and you find yourself stuck or unmotivated, try this exercise: Make a quick bullet list of incidents, scenes, and people that had an impact on your story. Include moments that feel vivid and alive to you, still. Don’t worry about chronology—what happened when. Instead, randomly pick from the list and start writing!

One stuck memoir writer I know became re-energized once she stopped trying to force herself to tell her story chronologically. When she tried this approach, her writing woke up—and she found her engagement with her memoir refreshed and renewed.

Permission Slip: Writing teacher Natalie Goldberg said that writers “live twice.” Memoir, in particular, invites us to return to moments we may never have examined with such care before. Rather than avoiding even difficult moments from your story, perhaps you’ll find you can appreciate the perspective having distance from life events offers you. This may be motivating in itself.

Let the process show you something new

Often, memoir writers discover new layers of meaning while they’re writing.

They may:

• change their perspective
• deepen their understanding
• remember additional material
• or realize the memoir is actually about something different than they first thought

That unfolding process is not necessarily a distraction from the work. Often, it is the work.

A final thought

If your motivation fades while writing your memoir, it doesn’t necessarily mean you’ve chosen the wrong project. It may simply mean you’ve reached a more demanding phase of the process.

Memoir writing asks for:

• persistence
• reflection
• patience
• and a willingness to stay with uncertainty for a while

For many writers, this is what makes the process meaningful.

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Writing a memoir can be deeply rewarding—but not necessarily easy. I’ve written an article that offers guidance for the journey: “How to Write a Memoir.”   

If you’re interested in my approach to writing, you might also take a look at my books:
Plotting Your Novel with the Plot Clock and Jamie Helps Mel Write a Novel.

Could you use some support as you write your memoir? I work with memoir writers at all stages of the process. Whether you’re just finding your way into your story or you have a complete draft, I can help.
Visit my contact page, and let’s connect.

5 Memoir Writing Mistakes That Keep Writers Stuck

There are a lot of “5 Memoir Writing Mistakes” articles on the web! The reason I’m writing yet another one is that I think (hope!) I have something new to bring to the party. I’ve coached memoir writers for many years, and I’ve seen where they seem to trip up most often. For sure, they don’t get stuck because they don’t have a story. Rather, they often stumble in their approach to the writing process itself.

Here are some of the most common mistakes I see memoir writers make—many of which have nothing to do with talent, and everything to do with understanding the process.

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1. Starting at the Beginning: The Most Common of Memoir Writing Mistakes

It’s natural to think you need to start your memoir at the beginning of your life. We want readers to understand where we came from, right? But unless your story is actually about a childhood event (in which case, start there), it’s generally better to begin closer to the situation or circumstances that were the springboard for the experience you want to share.

Even if you don’t have the urge to start with childhood memories, you might still feel it’s important to provide a historical context for what’s to follow. That’s fair! But when you explain too much that happened before your actual story begins—like family history or other background information—your opening pages fill with explanations that are not yet meaningful to your reader. Readers do not need to know everything at once. They need a reason to care about you, first.

Perhaps the core of your story is about a difficult passage in your life: starting over after a painful divorce, for example, or dealing with a devastating medical diagnosis and the long road of treatment and recovery. Or, you might have been offered a sudden opportunity that took you in an unexpected direction, and that’s the story you want to tell.

Either way, starting at the moment when something begins to change creates a dynamic entry into your memoir. Readers will be instantly engaged by meeting you at this moment of crisis or decision, the point where something is set in motion and you swan dive into change. Whether accident, opportunity, or chance, start there! Then you can weave in relevant backstory as you move your memoir forward.

For more suggestions about how best to include backstory, read my article “10 Ways to Use Backstory in a Novel or Memoir.”

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2. Determining Your Entire Story Before You Start Writing

On the other hand, you may think you already know all the angles of the story you want to tell, even before you start. And for sure it’s great to have a plan, a structure, a loose outline in mind. These can provide guardrails to keep you on track.

But be prepared! You’re bound to surprise yourself in the drafting process. Famously, short story writer Flannery O’Connor said, “I write to discover what I know.” And that may be the same for you. You may come to understand people, events, even the meaning of your story, differently than you did before you began writing.

So, stay open. If your writing offers you previously untraveled roads, take them! Your journey may challenge some of your preconceptions. But you can always turn around and return to your previously mapped direction. Still, it’s often the case that clarity—and the truth you want to tell—comes through your writing, not before it.

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3. Misunderstanding the Drafting Process

Writing a memoir is a process—and one that is likely to take you through several iterations (called “drafts”) of your full story. Therefore, it can be helpful to prepare yourself to write it in stages.

Your earliest telling of your story is what you might think of as an “exploratory draft” or a “zero draft.” In an exploratory draft, you’re just trying to get all of your ideas on the page without worrying about writing style, structure, organization, or even contradictions in your memory of your experiences. It is not meant to be readable yet!

Once you’ve completed that, it’s easier to see what’s missing, where your story actually begins, and what the most impactful events were. In your official “first draft” then, you organize the elements from your exploratory draft, perhaps adding important information and tucking in backstory where it’s needed.

After finishing that “first” draft, you might want to get a (trusted!) reader to review your manuscript. Getting fresh eyes on material you’re so close to is invaluable. This doesn’t mean you must agree with everything they say! But their feedback, together with your own instincts, will guide you to make changes that will improve your third draft.

In my experience, embracing this unwieldy process actually leads to the richest final results. And, truly, if you try to make your earliest drafts too “good,” you’re likely to frustrate yourself and lose momentum, slowing yourself down, anyway.

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4. Underestimating How Long The Process Takes

Writing a memoir takes longer than you probably expect: Not months. Years. You might think that once you get going, your story will take shape easily. But, in my experience, it’s a more complex process than it may seem.

When I first meet a memoir writer, it’s not uncommon for them to have dozens of pages that list events that happened to them, but that don’t yet have an arc. The arc, that rise and fall of tension and resolution, is what characterizes narrative writing. Turning raw material—the events—into a memoir requires skills that take time to master. And if this is your first book, you’re not just telling your story (which is daunting enough!), you’re learning the craft of long-form writing at the same time.

When writers don’t expect this, they can become (reasonably!) frustrated. But it isn’t a sign that the project isn’t working. It’s a sign that they need to dig deeper or level up their skills—both of which simply take (yup) more time.

If you’re writing a memoir, you deserve huge respect! You’re not just telling a story. You’re processing your experience at a deep level and then learning how to shape it into something that will engage your readers.

And all that takes time.

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The Final and Most Important of My 5 Memoir Writing Mistakes:
Asking, “Does This Even Matter?” 

At some point, almost every memoir writer asks:

• Is my story important?
• Why would anyone care?
• Is this worth writing?

These are completely relatable questions—but they are actually not relevant to the writing process! In fact, if you give those worries too much weight, they’re likely to capsize your memoir before it even gets started.

Believe me, your first job as a memoir writer is to get a draft of your story down on paper. Your second job is to revise that draft and make it stronger.

Rather than thinking about others’ opinions, learn your craft. Commit to the process. Do the good work for its own sake—and for yours.

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If you enjoyed this insight into 5 memoir writing mistakes, you might also enjoy my article “How to Write a Memoir.”  Because the more you know, the fewer the bumps in your road. 

If you’re interested in my approach to writing, you might also take a look at my books:
Plotting Your Novel with the Plot Clock and Jamie Helps Mel Write a Novel.

Could you use some support as you write your memoir? I work with memoir writers at all stages of the process. Whether you’re just finding your way into your story or you have a complete draft, I can help.
Visit my contact page, and let’s connect.

Memoir Basics for Beginners

If you’re new to memoir writing, it can be surprisingly hard to know where to begin. Do you start with your birth? Maybe! But probably not. It all depends on the story you want to tell. The following memoir writing basics will help you know where to start your story—and where to go from there.

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Memoir Writing Basics: What You Need to Know

First things first. A memoir is not meant to cover your entire life—that would be an autobiography. Instead, a memoir tells the story of either a particular time in your life (for example, the summer you were a ball girl for the Boston Red Sox) or a focused topic across a longer period (your life with horses, for example).

Cheryl Strayed’s memoir Wild focuses on a particular time, her solo hike of the Pacific Crest Trail—while Jeanette Walls’s memoir The Glass Castle considers a topic, her relationship with her family, over decades. And then there’s Mary Karr, who’s written three memoirs, each about a specific period of her life.

Whatever your approach, a memoir is characterized by focus. Rather than being restrictive, the frame you choose makes your story stronger, because it encourages you to dive deep enough into either the event or the topic for meaning to emerge.

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Memoir Writing Basics: What You Need to Know About Telling Your Story vs. Sharing Your Message 

While some memoir writers want to simply tell their story, many have a particular lesson or message to share. It’s a continuum.

On one end:

• narrative memoir
  → focuses on telling a story, allowing meaning to emerge through experience

In the middle:

• message-driven memoir
  → still rooted in story, but shaped more intentionally around a central idea, rather than around events and their meaning to the author

On the other end:

• self-help or prescriptive writing
  → organized around advice, with personal experience used to support it

A Well-Trained Wife, by Tia Levings, is a narrative memoir. It’s pure, compelling story. In it, Levings tells “about [her] race to save herself and her family and details the ways that extreme views can manifest in a marriage.”

The Healing Path, by James Finley, is more of a message-driven memoir. His book is described as “a contemplative reflection on the spirituality of healing … drawing on his lessons from Thomas Merton…. in the form of a memoir of his own recovery from the traumatic wounds of his early life.”

On the other hand (third hand?), in Daring Greatly, author Brené Brown instructs her readers in the art of vulnerability, drawing deeply on her own experiences to do so.

Wherever your book falls, you’ll want to find a structure that supports your intention.

• A more narrative memoir leans on scenes and (usually) a chronological progression
• A more message-driven piece may group material around themes
• A self-help approach organizes clearly around ideas or steps

If you find yourself wanting to explain, teach, or guide the reader, it can be helpful to ask:
Am I writing a memoir, or am I moving toward something more like self-help?

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Focus on Meaning, Not Just Events

Even when you’re writing a narrative memoir, though, what happened is only part of the story. What matters just as much is the meaning you gleaned from those events. As you’re writing, consider how you perceived those situations at the time and how you understand them now.

Ask yourself:

• What did I believe was true in those moments?
• What was I trying to understand or make sense of?
• What did I not see or know at the time?
• What surprised me about what happened?
• What stayed with me long after the moment passed?
• Where was the tension—what felt unresolved or unsettled?
• What changed because of this experience, even in a small way?
• What questions did this experience leave me with?
• What would I say now to the version of myself who lived through this?

Questions like these will help you find the sturdy bones of significance in your experience and polish them to gleaming, creating a guiding light for your readers. Because, as Ursula LeGuin said, we read “to find out who we are … what it is to be human.”

And that is never more true than when we read memoir.

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Your Memory Presents Moments Like Photographs

You likely don’t remember your life as a continuous narrative. What you remember are moments—scenes—specific instances you can see and hear again if you pause long enough. Something is happening. Someone is there. You can locate yourself inside the moment.

You might remember:

• the kitchen table where a difficult conversation unfolded, the way the light came in through the window
• the exact words someone said to you—and the moment you realized what they meant
• the feeling of standing somewhere, waiting, not yet knowing what was about to happen
• the smell, the weather, the quality of the air in a moment that stayed with you

Trying to tell your whole story, starting at the beginning and writing through to the end, can be quite daunting. It may be easier—and more effective—to capture evocative moments that arise from any point in your story. These might include fragments of dialogue or small, specific details that have stayed with you, like the scent of someone’s perfume or the tension of an argument.

These are the building blocks of a memoir. They’re also what engage a reader. A memoir comes alive through moments, not summaries.

As you begin to gather scenes, you may start to notice patterns—what repeats, what matters, what still feels unresolved. From there, a loose outline can begin to take shape. You don’t need to force that structure. Let it emerge from the material you’re already writing.

And when you work this way, something else tends to happen: your natural voice comes through on its own. You don’t need to try to sound like a “writer.” In fact, that usually gets in the way. Clarity, specificity, and attention to what actually happened will do more for you than polish at this stage.

You don’t need to know yet how everything fits together. Just start getting the scenes down. The shape of your story—and the way you tell it—will become clearer as you go.

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Memoir Writing Basics: Start by Writing for Yourself

Memoir has it’s own challenges. When we’re writing about our lives, there may be things we feel conflicted about sharing. That’s natural. The good news? You don’t have to decide what’s going to make it into print and what’s not—at least not yet!

Your first draft doesn’t have to be something you show to the world. It can be private—something you write for yourself, or share only with a trusted writing partner, group, or coach. If you find yourself hesitating to write because some of your story feels too personal or makes you feel exposed, remember, you can always:

• change names later
• soften or remove material
• decide what belongs in the final version

Memoir is shaped through writing and revision. You’ll find that patterns emerge, focus strengthens, and connections become clearer over time. In your first draft, your job is simply to write your story as honestly as you can.

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If you liked these memoir writing basics, which include some things you need to know before you start writing, you might also find my article “How to Write a Memoir” helpful. If you’re interested in my approach to writing, you might also take a look at my books: Plotting Your Novel with the Plot Clock and Jamie Helps Mel Write a Novel.

Could you use some support as you write your memoir? I work with memoir writers at all stages of the process. Whether you’re just finding your way into your story or you have a complete draft, I can help.
Visit my contact page, and let’s connect.